beginning!
i am literally beginning, but actually i began… ermmm? last year around april.
i also began in 2021, when i dropped out (i later returned).
but for today, let’s begin today. -
It all started today. When I was pisszing in the shower. And then it all dawned on me…
The shower is kinda..low key stopped up a bit..
and like.. backed up from the hair that I’ve been pulling out of my head. From Stress.
And so - I stopped for a second. I let the water stop.
I let the water stop because I had this thought about the clean water mixing with the pissz water and then the steam of the fresh water, steaming into my new baby pores. Like piss pores? Baby piss pores!
It all started getting really dark for me…
So yeah.. I turned the water off and let it all drain out. But it’s not about the pissz. It’s actually a thought on the old mixing with the new. Do not focus on the piss here. We got to stay focused yall.
Today sucked and life has been feeling very stressful. And it’s actually about nothing. It’s about how depressed I’ve been. I’ve been feeling stuck and scared, isolating in my mess.
I have been other things as well.
I am scared to share and so I’ve been waiting…? On what ? I dont know. I want to share.
Also because I hate hate HATE squarespace. I was using Wix, but now I am too poor. And thats also kinda what I wanna write about.
That I have been poor! And I have BEEN poor but I’ve been almost impressed with how much MORE poor I’ve gotten since it all began.
And So yes it actaully did begin last April. But really last March.
I’ve been fighting to get to know myself. Thank goodness. SOme3Boddddyie Has to2. som3bodie hasz 2. somebody has to.
so yes something has to get to know me
and so I’ve been serious about trying to take off some of the masks that I’ve learned to put ON that I’ve been taught to wear on my face.
And so serious, I spoke up when it all began about feeling unsafe being around my white, snotty nosed, super spreader coworkers at the cafe that I was serving coffee in- way back then. When it all began. (it began so long ago)
I was i was eye33 was i was the only I was the only balck black BLACK I was the only black trans + the only black person at this cafe… and it was felt.
tired of being misunderstood… beginning. begging. tired of begging to be allowed to live.
and i was tired. and it was felt.
and the feeling was growing so that i spoke up
and i was fired
and things got very very V3ry vury harder. Harder and Worst. worsa. the conditions got worsa. the conditions began to grow worsa. like i just began to realize like… the buses are actually dirty.. like the buses are actually not nknewww.
and so fasssst forward a year.
I’m sitting at a different cafe that I kinda hate because their coffee taste like piss water with memories that grow more and more faint, day by day of what was once… coffee. But that I kinda love them for the ambiance.
I’m sitting and I look amazing actually.
Red blushed cheeks for the first time in forever,
lady lingerie as a top,
feeling my oats. feeling myself AND ALSO
and al0S also and also broke as fuck and literally having to panhandle for my lunch.
I spent the week panhandling for my lunch and I cried every time wondering how it got so bad on Baltimore Ave.
That week I asked three seperate strangers to buy me food. And not for sex. Not for anything. I just really needed to eat.
And I Began To Laugh for the thirteen year old Mercy asking the twenty six year old Micah “do you have that Punch Buggie and that White Picket Fence yet?”
gurlllllll. umm.. so..
I was feeling humbled and then I got a grant and then I decided art was important again, but I was too broke to pay for my website anymore and so I transfered it here… and no shade to squarespace but I hate them. it gives - you need to be a hacker. like you need to be a brain surgeon AND a government hacker artist for NASA to operate this shit. RIP to my old think tank over at the luxurious wix. it was so nice and expensive over there.
anyways
And then it was a TORNADO. THERE WAS CHAOS AND HAS BEEN FOR ABOUT A YEAR I’VE BEEN (insert all the shit I been) and FINDING OUT I HAVE (disabilities, but like take me out to dinner before I start naming more of my disabilities to yall or something!) AND HAVE HAD IT SINCE 7TH GRADE AND HAD THE “SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL, SPEAK NO EVIL” PARENTS INSTEAD AND NOW I GOT AUTISM AND I BE WONDERING IF PPL BE UNDERSTANDING ME
life has been so … and so
AND SO
im sititng
looking at the piss mix with the clean fresh shower water thinking about my pores being blasted with steaming waste from my coochie and in that moment i thought
“wow like”
i’ve been moving really fast and i’m processing every single moment, meme, thing, brain rot discourse, gooning methods, trauma, karmic cycles i wanna break, niggas, bitches, hoes, friends, my dad, the new White Lotus, millennials, childhood dreams met and unthought of all at once!!!!!!!!!
so fast that I’ve been missing the blessings that have been here
SINCE it all began
the grants that have kept me housed, the oversharing that kept me housed and gave me a following of people grateful for someone who thinks and says and shares, the unwavering love my friendships that have afforded me long and short term gigs, the boundaries i’ve formed, the laughter i’ve shared, the kindness of my community that will buy my lunch and not ask me a thing about it, the apartment i worked so hard for, the job i was able to secure (and lose LMAO it’s a journey yall) in a month’s time!
i just really want to turn this water off and let the old pissy water drain out. and then
and only then
will i turn the fresh water back on
and yes
this is autism.
this is also probably testosterone and i know it because one thing i’ve always hated is a man and his riddles.
but this is actaully my little learning lesson today
a moment to let out the old
OUT : THE OLD
IN : THE NEW
and to WAIT
TO PAUSE AND LET IT DRAIN
like actually
i can pause
i can just watch my piss drain. there is no where to be. im where im supposed to be and i have time to make the choices that i want to make.
and i do deserve to allow myself to feel a pause
a waiting
im right where i need to be.
THE END
and i just found out its a new moon. so if you want to learn about that. Click Below. this is my go-to astro-herbalist, Empress Karen M. Rose, based in Brooklyn. i haven’t watched it yet, but i trust her from afar and i’ll maybe, write another blog soon reflecting on this.
